border crossings

2/3 - 2/6
The birth went well, but was long. We started the process of inducing labor on Friday afternoon after having a non-stress test that didn't look that bad but didn't look good enough to be sent home.

What wasn't helpful for laboring was that I had such high expectations that it would be easier this time (which turned out to be true for the pushing stage, but not for the rest of it) as well as a rosy picture that my selective memory was providing of how empowering my experience of labor had been with the Trout. This made things harder than they needed to be.

As time wore on, Peter and I both independently found ourselves wondering at times whether we were in a situation where morphine or an epidural was a good option as we found ourselves more and more exhausted and not knowing when we'd see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, with the respiratory issues for the baby that the morphine might cause if it didn't wear off in time, and with the realization that I'd still be feeling pressure with the epidural…and it seems to me like the rectal pressure especially is the worst part for me and it's not so much about the pain...and with the possibility of my getting a spinal headache from the epidural, I decided not to go with either of those options.

The inflatable birthing pool that our doula, Stacia Proefrock, brought for us made a huge difference! That might be why it's not so much about the pain for me with birthing, because both times I've been in labor, I've had a tub. It helped to have the softer inflatable tub instead of the regular tub the second time around.

The uncertainty that went with waiting for my cervix to dilate was particularly hard for me. I found myself disheartened to hear how dilated my cervix was every time it was checked except for the last time. After having to hold off from pushing for so long, when I was finally given the okay after the last check, I guess I must've been really ready to push, because the pushing stage only lasted about 4 contractions over the span of about 15 minutes.

Joel was born on Sunday morning at 10:33 am (a day before his due date).

So, that was Border Crossing #1, getting past the cervix. The other border crossings involved getting to go home from the hospital. The second one set up the circumstances for the third one.

2/7 - 2/10
Border Crossing #2 involved needing to stay at the hospital to use light therapy to treat Joel for jaundice. In retrospect, Peter and I both went overboard with doing all that we could to get us out of the germy hospital as soon as possible and get breastfeeding off to a good start. Too much hypervigilance…in an environment that for many reasons wasn't conducive to sleep in the first place…led to too little sleep on my part…which led to becoming manic…which led to checking myself in to the psychiatric ward…which was what Border Crossing #3 was about.

2/12 - 2/18
Depression is something that I'm familiar with and was prepared for postpartum, but mania was a whole new ball of wax that I wasn't expecting at all. I became "Leeann times 10" but wasn't able to see that I was different from normal…until I experienced "Leeann times 5" and could see in retrospect that I was much further from baseline the day before. It was also like I'd forgotten what sleep felt like. I couldn't believe that the first night I was there that according to them I'd only slept for a half hour the whole night. But, after experiencing 6 hours of sleep the next night, I was reminded of what it feels like to sleep and could really see the difference.

I found spending time as a patient in the psychiatric ward to be a really fascinating life experience that I was able to be open to and curious about, despite not wanting to be there and wanting very much to be home with Joel instead.