Where's My Head?

It's spring break, and Joel has a friend over today. They are both in 5th grade. They just asked me to play Where's My Head? with them, and I was once again marveling at how popular this game I somehow invented is. So, it occurred to me to post it here so that others could have fun with this game, too.

It's simply a game of having some blankets and pillows and hiding in amongst them in a way that makes it more difficult for someone to know where your head is in the jumble of things. We've played it with just 1 person hiding and to 4 people hiding. (Joel has a LOT of blankets in his room.) It has the same flavor as hide and seek. But, I think it has quite a few advantages over hide and seek. I think that must be why it has great appeal. It's because it has the same fun to be had as hide and seek.

What happens when the banana splits?

I scream!  (Ice cream!)

This was Joel's joke today that my parents were eager to share with us when handing him off to us.  It's been great fun to have the joint project of doing Joel caregiving that we now share. There's the fun things like this to share with each other, and there's the all getting to scratch our heads over an issue when we find ourselves running up against the same Joel issues.

A gift to help me with something I struggle with

Joel gave me a Mother's Day gift that I was particularly touched by. I was telling him recently about how I don't have space in the house for all the stuff I'm keeping. I told him in particular I have lots of notes that I've taken. So, when he was up at my parents' house he made me something to hold my notes in, and he told me that I can get the notes to take up less space if I fold the note holder up. Then they can fit in a very small place!

Drawings

Joel asked me to draw what he was drawing (while he was drawing it). This is one of the set of things we drew at the same time. I really appreciated this way of getting to be with him and to see how these drawings unfold. I've seen lots that look like this only after he's already all done. So, it was neat to get to see oh this is how these things come about.

I'm looking forward to doing this more with Joel. It brought about similar qualities as some art exercises to do that I wrote some notes about here:
http://e-a-s-e.blogspot.com/2015/12/deliberately-doing-activity-that-will.html

Joel's asleep right now, so I can't ask him to tell me about this drawing that my parents just emailed me. We'll see if I end up getting around to updating this blogpost with thoughts on this drawing after I get to talk to Joel about it. :)

Pictures for Mother's Day

Here are some photos that Damena Karoly from Hearth in the Hills Day Care sent me for Mother's Day. The top one was one that Joel'd told me a story about that day about how the baby didn't cry while he was feeding him. I learned from Damena that he initiated the activity. I've learned other things from the photos that she sends.  Like that he won't freeze even when I'm delinquent about packing his bag because they suit him up with spare hats and mittens when his can't be found. :)  It's a helpful lesson for me in how the world won't end if I'm not hypervigilant and that I can relax more instead.

Making a rainbow

After Joel spontaneously told me that he was making a rainbow, it was very satisfying to be able to capture him saying so again in the same sweet voice by asking him to tell me again what he was doing in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHU6ONKx1zs

Don't press my buttons

Not surprisingly, Joel is interested in interacting with computers...which causes me to fear for the damage he might deal to them...  So, it's great that he recently came up with a computer that doesn't cause that kind of fear in me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJt4KyYIo8Q

Mommy, can I talk to you?

Today, for the first time, Joel said to me:  Mommy, can I talk to you?  He then, again for the first time, told me a story. 

(I've recently been able to prompt him with "Then what happened" over and over again to lead him to telling me something like a story, but this was the first time that it was a monologue.)

He said he went somewhere and saw a few things...I think there was a cow...and then he said I saw a rooster...and it bit me!  It was a short sequence of things he told me.  So, I'm surprised I can't remember more of it, and I wish I could.

The feel of the story was very similar to the one he's been having me repeat over and over again.  I was finding that I could keep him from getting into something I didn't want him to by telling him about some fairly mundane things that happened to me that day...and he'd look at me very intently and become very engaged in what I was saying...  So, one day, I told him this story.  I was walking Quartz...and I saw that coming behind us, there was another dog.  So, I crossed the street.  But, Quartz got scared anyway.  So, I pulled him towards Nancy's house...and Nancy's cat felt trapped...and it went "hiss."

So, "Mommy, were you walking Quartz?" is an oft heard question these days, and it's his way of requesting the telling of this story.

Thoughts about 塞翁失馬 (Sai weng shi ma)

Just had an interesting discussion with my brother about the story of the man that lost his horse, 塞翁失馬 (Sai weng shi ma). If you don't know the story, click here to see several different versions of this story.  Basically, it's about having things that happen that seem terrible or seem great and being able to say "Who knows."

I was telling him about a situation where I was dismayed with myself for being late to an event (which seemed terrible) and then, at the end of the event, getting to have a particularly satisfying conversation with a friend (which seemed great).  I was telling him about how that led to thoughts like "Well then how do you have any basis for learning and decision-making?"  More on that in a moment. At one point in our conversation, my brother pointed out that there was a part that wasn't getting addressed in what I'd been discussing, and that was that I was feeling really disappointed about being late and that there were reasons and feelings behind being disappointed.

My response to this was to say, yeah, sometimes it does seem like what I'm doing is using 塞翁失馬 to tell myself not to feel my feelings, and that doesn't seem like something I want to do.

Okay, so now back to the thoughts about learning and decision-making. So, saying could've, should've, would've is something I do often, and 塞翁失馬 can help me let go of doing that. But, I then took things to an extreme, which led to thinking:  What about learning from what happened and making subsequent changes in your behavior?  Is this at odds with 塞翁失馬?

Brian's take on this was that it's not about thinking of decision-making as arbitrary.  This led me to thinking that perhaps 塞翁失馬 isn't just about not evaluating outcomes (e.g., losing the horse) but also about not being so outcome-oriented.  It can serve as a reminder that, no, I don’t have that much control over outcomes, but what I do have more influence on is my process.  Process over product is how my friend put it the other day. Take care of the process and let the outcomes/products/results be however they turn out.

As a result, I'm finding it helpful to think of 塞翁失馬 as helping me let go of all the could've, should've, would've, and all the if only this and if only that...and all the thoughts about things that are all in the past...and all the feeling a deluded sense of control...such that, of course, I'd be able to prevent the loss of a horse, and obviously that'd be a good thing.

Perhaps if 塞翁失馬 can get me to let go of this kind of ruminating, then that opens up the possibility of sitting with the uncomfortable feelings I'm having about things not going my way.  So, instead of using 塞翁失馬 to deny my feelings (as I mentioned above as something I've been doing), I can use it to help me hold the space for sitting with my feelings.

What's in the bag?

Watch this video to find out!  Want more?  Here is a prequel that you can watch, too.