I was telling him about a situation where I was dismayed with myself for being late to an event (which seemed terrible) and then, at the end of the event, getting to have a particularly satisfying conversation with a friend (which seemed great). I was telling him about how that led to thoughts like "Well then how do you have any basis for learning and decision-making?" More on that in a moment. At one point in our conversation, my brother pointed out that there was a part that wasn't getting addressed in what I'd been discussing, and that was that I was feeling really disappointed about being late and that there were reasons and feelings behind being disappointed.
My response to this was to say, yeah, sometimes it does seem like what I'm doing is using 塞翁失馬 to tell myself not to feel my feelings, and that doesn't seem like something I want to do.
Okay, so now back to the thoughts about learning and decision-making. So, saying could've, should've, would've is something I do often, and 塞翁失馬 can help me let go of doing that. But, I then took things to an extreme, which led to thinking: What about learning from what happened and making subsequent changes in your behavior? Is this at odds with 塞翁失馬?
Brian's take on this was that it's not about thinking of decision-making as arbitrary. This led me to thinking that perhaps 塞翁失馬 isn't just about not evaluating outcomes (e.g., losing the horse) but also about not being so outcome-oriented. It can serve as a reminder that, no, I don’t have that much control over outcomes, but what I do have more influence on is my process. Process over product is how my friend put it the other day. Take care of the process and let the outcomes/products/results be however they turn out.
As a result, I'm finding it helpful to think of 塞翁失馬 as helping me let go of all the could've, should've, would've, and all the if only this and if only that...and all the thoughts about things that are all in the past...and all the feeling a deluded sense of control...such that, of course, I'd be able to prevent the loss of a horse, and obviously that'd be a good thing.
Perhaps if 塞翁失馬 can get me to let go of this kind of ruminating, then that opens up the possibility of sitting with the uncomfortable feelings I'm having about things not going my way. So, instead of using 塞翁失馬 to deny my feelings (as I mentioned above as something I've been doing), I can use it to help me hold the space for sitting with my feelings.
